This is not going to be a happy post. I am just very frustrated, and sometimes I am not even sure what I am frustrated with. It seems like nothing I can do is right, in my eyes or anyone's for that matter. I feel like I should be doing more for my kids, I feel guilty if I try to take a break. I even feel guilty for writing on this blog while they watch "Scooby Doo". It doesn't help to see posts on facebook and other places where parents put themselves out as being the "Mother of the Year". I guess with typically developing and special needs kids you will always have those parents who make you feel like you could do more. I have been told by a family member that I don't do enough, I should be in the floor with my children their every waking hour, maybe I should, but then I am confused when the same family member tells me that I spend "to much" time trying to get services for my kids, and that I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about their disabilities, or talking about them.
I just want to say.....I feel bad enough, there are things I want for my kids that I am just not able to get. A lot of things bother me right now that probably shouldn't, I am easily offended by things that probably shouldn't offend me.
I have had a lot happen in my life over the past 3 years. I don't really need to go into all of that, but I am going through a grieving process, multiple grieving processes actually. Maybe I am stuck, who knows, maybe I do need counseling. But, having people constantly tell me what I am doing is wrong, making me feel guilty for trying to take the occasional break, well that isn't making me feel any better.
I love my friends and family, I want a good relationship, but sometimes I feel so confused.
I know I am not the only mother who blogs about her kids, I know I am not the only mother who writes things on facebook to try to raise awareness. So, why are people trying to make me feel like a bad person, why do people act like I should be ashamed of my son's Autism diagnosis and hide it.
I am very proud of my boy, the fact that he is on the spectrum does not make me any less proud. Actually I feel more joy at his achievements than I would if he were a typically developing child.
Finally, my biggest pet peeve....STOP telling me that "A" isn't "autistic enough" that because he is so high functioning and he is so smart that I should let people think everything is okay, that he is some sort of child prodigy. He is smart, but there are issues, that is why I take him to doctor's and multiple therapy's. That is why I spend my nights online looking for the latest in treatments, even special diets. I tell people to raise awareness, autism isn't always what it appears to be, it isn't always "rain man" or a child in the corner banging his head into the wall. I suspect and I have seen that there are many children (and adults) out there, smart children, who are going undiagnosed. Children who struggle with social skills, smart people who lock them selves away, who have to be home schooled or who are miserable in regular school, adults who have a hard time holding down a job, who spend their lives on their computers because they don't have the social skills to go out into the world. Young children with whom intervention may make a world of difference in their lives as adolescents and adults.
So if you don't like the way I do things, then don't try to make me feel bad, you don't have to read my blog or be my friend on facebook. I struggle every day. I will do what I have to do, if you don't agree with my methods then I am sorry. Especially don't criticise if you have never dealt with what I am dealing with.....
Here is some information about families dealing with Autism, and what YOU can do to help.